I have so many thoughts in my head tonight, it is hard to hear one from another. As I listen to them all I think I can summarize them all into this question – Why do I have to be so human?
Why am I perfectly fine one second and then so ticked off I could hurl the coffee table through the front glass window? Why do I ignore all the progress I have made overall and focus on one mostly unknown variable? Why do I allow a single circumstance to temporarily rule my life while I overlook all of the factors that made the combination of events that this one time got me from here to there?
Today was not a bad day but I can feel the last 7 days of working on the house barreling down on me. I am tired and my body does not want to move. Some of my muscles are beginning to spasm from physical therapy today and I know tomorrow they will be so sore, not wanting to function. Until tonight, I forgot to be thankful that I actually could do 7 days of physical activity and I am thankful that I only cried during the last 15 minutes of P.T. and not the whole hour. And for a therapist that will pray over me. There is always a way to be thankful.
I keep thinking about my test results that are in and that the doctor wants to talk about them. I have been working very hard to improve my health the last 20 months and have had success in several areas. It is so easy to be distracted by the latest bad news or unknown news and forget about the strides that have been made and the battles that have been won. I want the war to be over and victory to be proclaimed!! But I am thankful that I have a doctor that will listen and a natural practitioner that will help me look at new ways to help my body function the way God designed it. And both professionals that will pray with me. There is always a way to be thankful.
And I ended my day with a group of friends that have become dear to my heart. I was not funny me or entertaining me. I did not have to brush my hair and look cute. I did not have do or be anything. I was able to cry and curse and snort and rage. So often we a person, a comment or a happenstance to completely derail us. Everything we know to be true, thrown out the window. We know better but all of a sudden, before we took two steps, we are changing this and never doing that and certainly never again. But tonight, as I shared what was in my chubby cheeked little head, beautiful eyes looked back at me and made me feel accepted and encouraged and loved. There is always a way to be thankful.